On Dating and Romantic Expectations

so my homie Chad and i were having an awesome dinner at Izakaya Naru, catching edamame, frying taco rice and talking shit. we weren't even drunk. we were post collegiate sober and there was a situation that just needed to be addressed. there just so happened to be some dude on a "date" with a well put together asian lady. i'm not going to peg her as Japanese just because i was in an Okinawan establishment and she just so happened to have black hair, yellow undertones and a fantastic body for a 30something. in fact, i wouldn't have even known her ethnicity if it weren't for her awkward as hell, forever alone-- perfect, date who kept saying stupid shit like, "your culture is so cool. you have anime, manga, samurai and the Shinkansen." as this faildate dinner theatre ensued, Chad and i couldn't help snickering, fuck even openly bringing ourselves to tears as the jabrony went on and on. it made me wonder if she was someone he had met without the aid of some small fortune. she was pleasant enough, made good conversation and kept good sport at each "oh i love your culturerrrruuuu" mouth diarrhea this dude kept spewing. he was trying soooooo hard to impress her. rule number one bro: DON'T PUT THE PUSSY ON THE PEDESTAL. she has a vagina, you have a penis, you want to put your penis in her vagina, if she likes you, this will happen, if she doesn't like you, you can't put your penis in her vagina. simple. if i could have been his wingman/lifecoach/mo'sister this is the one simple thing i could impart to him. that trying really, really hard to impress someone, will often fail. anyone can smell fear and this dude reeked of it.

On Exploitation

something profound here Whether it be about celebrity Or otherwise. it's a misnomer to think people are willing exploit themselves. And by that I mean it's not much of a Choice. it's a hard bargain To give up anonymity and liberty for material wealth and comfort. people who have never been hungry/poor will never understand. I read somewhere that people who Aim for the appraise of the crowd Are people who are looking for Something to fill the void from The lack of unconditional love & Affirmation from one's parents. something tells me it's very true.

shiiiiiit

Did it ever occur to you that what you did to me was worse than treason? I was your home.

Aging

Things I Would Like to Hold on to: Youth, Memories, both good and bad, Time, make it stand still, My Dinner.

On Being Haunted

It's about being haunted. We live mostly in our head. There are theories and ideas to flesh out, finding the right words to say, analyzing a gaze, events planned properly, routes taken neatly and efficiently. Till the end you are disruptive, a terrible figure of desire in a dream, and even then the disappointment is palpable. sleeping and waking in dreams are indications of illness. i waste no time and words with you in a seedy corner of subconsciousness. The act leaves me set in a messy motel room, the faucet is leaking, i know this because i am trying to wash my hands. In the cabinet, there are exactly two pink pills. Time measured in packets, i take it because i don't want anything to do with you anymore. i wake up bemused. Sometimes, when my body is telling me to get up and use the restroom, my dreams turn into nightmares. So this nightmare is shaken off. Until from my peripheral, i see you. Someone i imagine you to be, not in an imagined place but in the corporeal. Shock is very little understood. My body knows what my mind cannot. i keep walking. i cannot say what is bothering me. i want to scream. Run down the list of 'maybes". Maybe I: still love you, wish things didn't end that way, should have known better, regret ever knowing you, never want to see you, need a cigarette, need more than a cigarette, wonder why you still hurt me, am angry and don't like being reminded of you. Let's call this psychic pain. Something that wanes with time, but the body remembers, the sudden sadness, the loss. Grief is experienced in stages. The pain i can carry, it is the sadness i cannot.

Moʻo

"Hey, isnʻt that a GEICO gecko?"
"Oh, yeah it is!"
"Look. It doesʻt have a tail"
"Maybe a cat tried to eat it.
Can you catch it for me?
i want you to get me one for christmas."
"OK, Iʻll try"
"Aw, it got away."
"Thatʻs OK, you donʻt want one without a tail
anyway."

for someone who despises words, those were the most
thinly veiled words spoken.
the sadness you could not hide,
with anger i shouldn't have kissed you.
teeth meeting teeth, its violence surprised you.
many times i have said, "There is no reason to fight".

"Reverse Goldilocks",
muttered as i awoke. exactly.
"I know it's not fair."
You sat in my chair, ate my food and slept in my bed.
repeat.
i gave you a key to my apartment,
you never went back to yours.

the nicest thing about Hawaii Loa was the view.
At night i would sit on the roof or your
filing cabinet and watch the moon move across the bay.
picturesque.
Ms Elaine Chang died a week before you left.
She thought you were a swell guy.

i wished you had left me your Smith & Wesson not
your movies, shitty books/music and other things
you could not part with.
'till the end i protected you because
"You become responsible,
forever, for what you have tamed."

さようなら
i thought as you lumbered
to the wrong parking lot.

i have stopped drinking
and smoking excessively.
i do not cry at work,
on the bus,
in the car,
while listening to music
or watching television.
only the faintest florecent
flickers of pain.
in photographs i smile,
i am happy.


Christmas Day, Laundry Room, 1pm:
i see the GEICO Gecko.
the little sucker is bigger
than i remembered.
where a stump was, a phosphoresent tail.
beady black eyes watching my hand,
he slowly
lifts a foot
i see your setae.
i wonder if you tickle.
and he cheeses it--
behind the wash basin.
rats!

On Heartache

A few days ago
a friend of mine asked me if I had done something with my hair
because I '...look different.."
To this I ran down the usual list:
Glasses,nope,
hair is frizzy, nope,
not wearing makeup, nope.
Running out of things that could possibly make my being different,
I replied, "I'm happy today".
And I repeated this statement, emphatically.
Truly.
It's been a long time.