bernadette mayer spoof

Whole Lotta Crap

I am sleeping ~~~
Awake!
There are cashiers ringing,
Supervisors singing or squealing
My hands are blurring lines of flour on countertops
And counting bills, making change and bagging
Things I will touch once or twice but will be eaten,
Like the Pink/ Green Tipped- Dragon fruit that became the Emperor and Empress of Japan’s Breakfast, or the yellow soft brie that will be
Eaten their lunch. No Panic, Go Organic!
Next to me is the best/worst coworker,
She/He likes to ring things real slowly,
Always making long conversations and ringing and packing
really slowly,
If only, She or He would ring a little bit faster,
I would be less stressed out when I come home to my Mom, my Dad and my two sisters, friends, barbecues and ice creams…. Yummy Tahitian Vanilla, SHIT!
You are now staring at me,
I’m very sorry,
I forgot to push that little button, and now there is a line,
That forms and winds all along the isles,
You, Sir or Ma’am I am very sorry, I did not take your change
Or credit card, and I blanked out in the middle
Of The Transaction, You asked me a question
Like “How are you” like you cared about my well being,
And I stared at you
stupid,
Like “I hate small talk” and “You’re being way too personal”
I glare at you,
Like “I hate going through these motions”.
Sometimes In these situations,
I wonder if I have Aspergers or some other kinda disorder,
I really dislike, FUCK! I hate looking people in the eye,
It makes me uncomfortable and gives me the willies,
Like Banjo Pluckin, Swamp Rat- Hillbillies, and now
You are ANGRY because
I’ve been smiling but not paying attention,
Like I should be licking your face while I ring up your groceries and be your surrogate
Mother, who came with you free but unwilling.
Would you like to sample some chocolate?
Too many words, and not enough substance is being
exchanged here
Money is really dirty,
My God, is it really only three thirty? I get off of work in only twelve hours. People here are afraid of Canola and Corn,
They think it will give them cancer,
They do not like when their fruits touch the register belt, but they
Pay in cashes EBT checks in Express there’s nothing
Express about the elderly.
Would you like to purchase a reusable plastic bag
to forget in your car home trunk backseat other car?
You ask “How do they treat you here?”
I say “Very well Sir or Maam.” We’re all about team member empowerment here.

April was Oppressive

there's a student housing facility adjacent to my place
with really rowdy college knumbskulls and titas.
the sprinklers are always on, making me feel
liberal guilt for gallons and gallons of water wasted.
six a.m. shoes get wet,
ten a.m shoes get wet. when do my shoes not get wet?

i want to call somebody sometimes to
tell him that somewhere a whale is missing his
swimming pool. i saw the cutest thing last night on my way home.
the usual Nic ticks were not sitting on benches smoking cheap cigs
at the student housing facility.

behind the limey foliage, were a boy and a girl. they smelled like
freshmen: thin, fresh faced, smiling. boy was teaching girl to skateboard.
it was almost surreal. the air was super chilly,
they were back lit by harsh lighting and they were laughing
really softly. lots of smiles, including mine.

Sometimes i Procrastinate

Definition Poem that was due for P. Schultz a month ago.

Home as Defined by a Nerd+ the American Heritage Dictionary

Home (hōm) n.
The Milky Way Galaxy,
Just the right spot, the sweet spot,
Home: Planet Earth, the Pacific Ocean, Hawaiian Islands, Oahu—
the gathering place.
Home is in my head, so I’m home no matter where I am.
I felt at home in NY, all the crabby cabbies and cops.
I felt at home in San Diego, gaslamps and comic cons.
I felt at home in LA, little Asiantowns and hobos,
Everywhere Golden Retrievers and mini marts.

1. Honolulu, HI
2. Varsity Ave.
3. Coolidge St.
4a. Glazers as a Sanctuary
4b. Seoul, my heart and soul, Queen of Hearts, My Mother Tongue Tied Motherland.

A Home can be where someone is cared for.
I made a home for my sisters,
my mother, my father can repose.
A place to return to, I would cook for you.
For Me a bed,
lazy sofa or tub tile floor lying.
The year I moved out was the year I surrendered and decided to thrive.
And now, I too am alive in my own place, my own space, my home.

hw assignments to face humanity

Da Numbah One

Some sit, Some stand while waiting for the #1
Across Kahala Mall,
two boys make a mad run for it, weaving in and
out of traffic. i learned long time ago
never run for it, it's not worth it. Monster Beats
on my headset blaring, Geto Boys, "Damn it Feels to be a Gangsta"
i see Fasi's Limo, but i don't run, "Cuz real gangsta ass niggaz don't run for shit,
Cuz real gangsta ass niggaz can't run fast."

TheBus pulls up and picks us up.
TheBus is half full not half empty (Not for Long).
We sit, Some chat, some contemplate, i reflect,
loose my space. My eyes wander to ads spotty,
City Bus placards MIA (i remember stealing in my youth)

THIS IS A PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT: THIS AD WILL NOT STOP CRACK USE,
WIFE ABUSE, ABORTION OR SMOKING--
THAT IS ALL, RETURN TO YOUR PATHETIC LIVES PEONS.

My eyes move down to scarred windows,
Large and Rustycrusty Roaches, crawl, critter.
Mucus, Food, Gum Wrapper, Gum, litter, in this vehicle we are
all headed in the same general direction.

i see mouths move but can't hear a sound.

Thank You, Noise Cancellation Headphones.
i choose the music and pollution, the soundtrack to this scene.
Besides, strangers are best seen and not heard, especially adults,
interrupting my desire to be alone.
Long is Waialae. TheBus is full by Tamura's and the bodies hum.
Chitchat cell phones texting Clockstars and College kids in repose,
We're resting against plastic,
scarred windows, Sacred Hearts McDonald's and St. Louis Cigarettes
Litter the street. Two Public Storage Wastelands,
Welcome to Your Future Home, on top of King,
a Humane Society,

theBus in decline, hug the curve of him--
Get off on King and University. Walk up to Glazers.

In Fifteen

my body parts hurt so i am typing today.
maybe i am just a little bit lazy.
Nicole asked me what my vice is.
it used to be an occasional smoke,
booze every weekend,
excessive amounts of social networking/
currently it seems that WoW has taken over my life again.
and if my mouth would utter those words, "it's just for three months"
then i'd be lying.

there's a particular line from Sia's song that is on repeat.
it's from "Some People Have Real Problems" and the song is
called "You Have Been Loved".

"Oh will you ever know
That the bitterness and anger left me long ago
Only sadness remains
And it will pass.."

it's the month; the body remembers. no, that's a particularly
false thing to say. i must confess, i am experiencing some
psychic pains. my kid would have been two this year, this month.
time is galleons, is a poster posted in Sam's cafe.
it's this fucking chilly ass weather, it's the rain, it's this place.
i have to do my poetry exercizes by monday. otherwise i've failed
P. Schultz and esp. myself. it's nice to have people who believe in you.
i cannot imagine absolute isolation/lonliness.
whenever i can't take it, i just dial up a friend and make a total emotive kid
out of myself.

Hello Somewhere on a Higher Plane

We were in Banana Republic, a dystopic version of course,
looking for a new trilby or fedora for Chad. There lacked
a sense of urgency, and the quest was not colored by
our usual masochistic tendencies.
i sifted through a stack of brown hats on a white case display, finding nothing
that would match Chad. Channing and Emily also came up empty handed.

Our best guess was to get some coffee to salve the disappointing hat search.
This is where it gets good,
Channing went on the offensive and Emily the defensive.
Emily was yowling about the lack of quality, selection
and style in the hats and Chan made a comment about her.
Something like,
"Do you actually do Yoga or do you just like to wear yoga gear?"
To which Em responded in a low whine,
"Looking for a hat for Chad is like looking for my Yoga Pussy...."
In unison Chad, Chan and Em said, "It's non existent."
And we started cracking up,
and couldn't stop laughing.

time oh time, give me time

feeling blue over "funemployment"
more like "left to own devices"
idle hands will tear at my body
reading "loneliness as a way of life" and it explains all the peter pans
i've been attracting.