Having One

oh sweet clove cigarette, my lungs feel incapacitated but the cloudy lungs
they are worth the smoke. puff puff puff signals. now i know why singers
smoke regularly. how else is one supposed be mindful of breathing?

Isn't it terrible that all the fun things in life are bad for your health-
but such is life! bacon= tasty, drinking= jubilation, speeding=fun and
no matter how many strips of bacon i eat while downing martini in my mother's
beamer, i will never crash.

On Floundering

ah one of my favorite subjects.
my endless floundering. mermaid in a bathtub,
odd creation crash landed in the middle of the pacific ocean.
slosh, slosh, slosh.
now i'm drier and have stopped smoking.
this time is for me.

this is my mild and sly return to the blogosphere.
home of my heart for the past 11 years.
i can't muster the will to deaden the itch to type
the itch to write. i hear that the choice to write is a suicide pact.
but what am i to do with no vice?

with my new fangled freedom
i've been blowing up Facebook,
reading a Queen Mary boatload of articles on everything from
physics to fashion, circuits to circus, our love affair with technology,
the legality of state sanctioned assassination and living a life eating bitter.

projects here i come

Mahayana

http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/20110422/sc_livescience/scientistsabuzzovercontroversialrumorthatgodparticlehasbeendetected

Is this why I am dreaming of electric green grass,
the universe unfolding
twin stars and galaxies
nebulas and knowledge
Open Close Open Close
extraterrestrial communication,
packing Aqua Man for The Journey and
acts of love and survival?

Someone once said
that God is simply love and that we are all
moving towards a single direction.  
While I don't know if this is true
It would be a nice surprise-
to be on a grassy knoll
watching the many moons and stars
A quiet peace that fills all space
Understanding exactly everything.

Ain't No Sunshine

Umma,
Can you give me a ride home,
It's raining? Do you have an umbrella?
My Car windshield is leaking
Take the Bus

OK

When I was young
I thought I was adopted

OK

#2 Man with a Box
Sits next to me
You want my box to break,
Don't You? Little Girl
Wants my box to break
Filipino Lady saves me,
I think she's an angel.
She gets his ass kicked off the bus
#2 Man with a Box
Points and threatens and old Japanese lady
and gets off the #2

OK

Rainy night.

OK

#1 Hawaii Kai
Cold and Quick
Fat Fat rain
No Heat
No Fatigue

Casmero and Company
Security Shack
Wave, Wave, Wave
At me. Good Night,


One Million Miles Away
OK
But Ain't No Sunshine

Nothing for me here.
I think Nothing tastes good,
The Artist would agree.
It's not even scary
Thinking
The Ghost can keep me company.

"Engine Driver"

i have a memory of old honolulu,
and by that i mean honolulu in 2000.
so ten years ago when starbucks was kinda
sorta new, i discovered that soy chai lattes
are crazy delicious. one of the very first
starbucks was in ward. it's now nothing
more than a shell of a failed whole foods
but once it had an Island Snow, and a whole
bunch of other crappy little surf shops.

i remember this day because the way
that the sun shines today reminds me of the
way the sun shined that afternoon. my purpose
for being at that location and who i met is a bit
foggy. however i do remember grabbing my soy chai
latte, sitting with whoever i was supposed to meet
there and then leaving about half an hour later.
(i have a feeling it might have been speech and debate
related, before Jenny and Chad had their showdown)
it was one of many of those odd social situations
where i'm either bored or feeling out of place.
on that afternoon i felt quite out of place so i
walked home.

they're glistening like diamonds, go out and find them

we were on a field trip in some apocalyptic part of future tense, subconsciously mapped part of Oahu. this is the beach we get to after a really long drive. we pass mountains that are so green, they can't be landmarks in Hawaii. always wet lawns, like someone over watered entire portions of the island. gigantic waves that crash toward the road, no beaches for miles and miles. then i am instantly transported to this beach. sometimes i am breathing under water at this beach, letting the tide take me, no fear. sometimes i'm here alone at night. and sometimes i am actually drowning, no fear.

this time as i walk to the waves, five footers like Sandy's, i'm not drowning or swimming, i'm stealing diamonds. there are diamonds all over the place, jewelry that people have left on the beach and in caves and trees so that they're not lost in
the waters. i'm walking around and just picking earings and loose diamonds, i'm stealing. there are people around me, and they see what i'm doing but they aren't outraged or bothered. i notice that one of the diamonds that i've stolen look exactly like one of my mother's earings. i place it back in my pile then i walk up the steps of my elementary school and deposit the diamonds somewhere. i'm in a lagoon with someone else and we're digging through the mud with our toes, picking up quarters.

telephone call, wake up and the logic of dream linear narrative is gone.
damnit what does this dream mean?
can't help but hear "Don't Blame Your Daughter" by the Cardigans play.

On Being Lost or Errant, Whatever Sounds Better

despite my veneer of "i don't give a fuck!",
i'm actually a type A personality.
i just threw up my hands and legs,
got drunk and dunked in artificial
bodies of water and laid prone to stare at stars at night.
i have lived next to graveyards.
at some point
in middle school and high school my plans were fucked with
and therefore my self discipline/self assuredness
in certain things disappeared.

if my mother and father would have invested some time
in raising me, i don't think i'd be so fucked up.
however they are not to blame, it's mostly me. at some
point in middle school i lost God too and now the
higher power is teaching me quite a lesson for
my infidelity/blasphemy.

and now i'm lost in my life.
will be graduated after this semester and have
no idea who to become. guess i can only be me,
but my current self is not doing so hot in the
"making enough money to be comfortable" dept.
working sixty plus hrs and making jack squat
for the rest of my life is in no way appealing.

here are the things that i want in life:

1. Time for myself
2. Time for family
3. Time for friends
4. Time for traveling

The other night my friends and i played a game
called, "Let's Pick Mirina's Future Out of a Hat"
and the most viable careers were:

High School English Teacher
Journalist
Journalist
"Dear Mirina" columnist
Personal Stylist
Megatron

Megatron would be an awesome thing to become,
cause Megatron is big and awesome and a good guy
but i don't know how much Megatron eats or sleeps
or if he even has a family. Plus if i devote
my life to becoming Megatron, i'd have to spend
light years doing interstellar traveling, leaving
me no time to have family/friends. and i am not a robot

my problem is finding the motivation or mojo
to put myself out there. i'm a shy recluse or like
one funny ass bitch said once, " the artist recluse".
however as stated before, i don't feel like being
a big ass loser for the rest of my life. do you know
how long that is? i'm pissed off cause i should have
been dead a long time ago, but nothing
ever goes to plan. and here i am
in some strange purgatory- esque existence.
i can't understand the purpose, greater lesson this pain
is to teach me. maybe my head was getting to big,
maybe i did something heinous in a past/present/future life
or maybe none of this matters or makes sense at all.