On Being Lost or Errant, Whatever Sounds Better

despite my veneer of "i don't give a fuck!",
i'm actually a type A personality.
i just threw up my hands and legs,
got drunk and dunked in artificial
bodies of water and laid prone to stare at stars at night.
i have lived next to graveyards.
at some point
in middle school and high school my plans were fucked with
and therefore my self discipline/self assuredness
in certain things disappeared.

if my mother and father would have invested some time
in raising me, i don't think i'd be so fucked up.
however they are not to blame, it's mostly me. at some
point in middle school i lost God too and now the
higher power is teaching me quite a lesson for
my infidelity/blasphemy.

and now i'm lost in my life.
will be graduated after this semester and have
no idea who to become. guess i can only be me,
but my current self is not doing so hot in the
"making enough money to be comfortable" dept.
working sixty plus hrs and making jack squat
for the rest of my life is in no way appealing.

here are the things that i want in life:

1. Time for myself
2. Time for family
3. Time for friends
4. Time for traveling

The other night my friends and i played a game
called, "Let's Pick Mirina's Future Out of a Hat"
and the most viable careers were:

High School English Teacher
Journalist
Journalist
"Dear Mirina" columnist
Personal Stylist
Megatron

Megatron would be an awesome thing to become,
cause Megatron is big and awesome and a good guy
but i don't know how much Megatron eats or sleeps
or if he even has a family. Plus if i devote
my life to becoming Megatron, i'd have to spend
light years doing interstellar traveling, leaving
me no time to have family/friends. and i am not a robot

my problem is finding the motivation or mojo
to put myself out there. i'm a shy recluse or like
one funny ass bitch said once, " the artist recluse".
however as stated before, i don't feel like being
a big ass loser for the rest of my life. do you know
how long that is? i'm pissed off cause i should have
been dead a long time ago, but nothing
ever goes to plan. and here i am
in some strange purgatory- esque existence.
i can't understand the purpose, greater lesson this pain
is to teach me. maybe my head was getting to big,
maybe i did something heinous in a past/present/future life
or maybe none of this matters or makes sense at all.