Aging

Things I Would Like to Hold on to: Youth, Memories, both good and bad, Time, make it stand still, My Dinner.

On Being Haunted

It's about being haunted. We live mostly in our head. There are theories and ideas to flesh out, finding the right words to say, analyzing a gaze, events planned properly, routes taken neatly and efficiently. Till the end you are disruptive, a terrible figure of desire in a dream, and even then the disappointment is palpable. sleeping and waking in dreams are indications of illness. i waste no time and words with you in a seedy corner of subconsciousness. The act leaves me set in a messy motel room, the faucet is leaking, i know this because i am trying to wash my hands. In the cabinet, there are exactly two pink pills. Time measured in packets, i take it because i don't want anything to do with you anymore. i wake up bemused. Sometimes, when my body is telling me to get up and use the restroom, my dreams turn into nightmares. So this nightmare is shaken off. Until from my peripheral, i see you. Someone i imagine you to be, not in an imagined place but in the corporeal. Shock is very little understood. My body knows what my mind cannot. i keep walking. i cannot say what is bothering me. i want to scream. Run down the list of 'maybes". Maybe I: still love you, wish things didn't end that way, should have known better, regret ever knowing you, never want to see you, need a cigarette, need more than a cigarette, wonder why you still hurt me, am angry and don't like being reminded of you. Let's call this psychic pain. Something that wanes with time, but the body remembers, the sudden sadness, the loss. Grief is experienced in stages. The pain i can carry, it is the sadness i cannot.